Why Men Love Bitches Page 3

  When you lose your edge, the relationship loses its fire. Think of him as the match. You are the striking board on the back of the match cover. When the rough edge or sand wears off and starts to become dull, it is much harder to get that spark.

  For example, the man may say. “Maybe I need a little time to think things over.” The woman who is too nice responds, “Please don’t leave me.” Not the bitch. She offers to help him pack. Why (choose A, B, or C)?

  A. She is helpful.

  B. He can’t pack.

  C. She loves herself.

  Hint: The correct answer is C. Because she loves herself, the bitch doesn’t want anyone who doesn’t want her. She doesn’t grab his ankles and beg for mercy. She keeps that edge. And, in doing so, she prevents him from wanting to go.

  Her aura says she doesn’t want him desperately enough, need him desperately enough, or let him get under her skin enough. She is driving that train. Effortlessly. And it is that very ease that translates into charm.

  Je ne sais quoi is a sexy devil-may-care attitude. Not only isn’t the bitch needy of him, she often isn’t focused on him.

  Ever notice that when you are on the phone ignoring the man you are with, suddenly he’ll kiss your neck and try to get your attention? Ignore him and he is intrigued. Make him the center of attention all the time and he runs.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #8

  The biggest variable between a bitch and a

  woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows

  that she’s not afraid to be without him.

  Margaret Atwood said, “Fear has a smell, as love does.” It is said that excitement and fear come from the same part of the brain. When a man is slightly afraid of losing a woman, his excitement is piqued.

  His psyche is like a plant. It needs water but also air to breathe. To give a man too much reassurance too soon is the same as overwatering a plant. It kills it.

  One of the things women have to get out of their mindset is the notion of what a bitch is. A bitch is nice. She’s sweet as a Georgia peach. She smiles and she is feminine. She just doesn’t make decisions based on the fear of losing a man.

  The difference between the bitch and the nice girl is not so much in their personalities or in their demeanor. It has nothing to do with how abrasive a woman is. A bitch is a bitch with her actions, because she isn’t willing to give herself up.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #9

  If the choice is between her dignity

  and having a relationship, the bitch will

  prioritize her dignity above all else.

  The bitch remains the person she is throughout her relationship with a man. She doesn’t lose her friends. She doesn’t give up her career or her hobbies. She doesn’t give up all of her time or bend over backward. And, unlike the nice girl, she is not too tolerant of disrespect.

  She also keeps her edge and has enormous self-respect; she holds the conviction that her self-worth governs her decisions. Because she is not afraid, ironically he becomes afraid to lose her. Because she is not needy, he starts to need her. Because she isn’t dependent on him, he begins to depend on her. It’s like a reverse magnet. The person who is least dependent on the outcome of the relationship will automatically draw the other person in.

  Meet the “New and Improved” Bitch

  Let us conclude this chapter by redefining the word bitch. Think of it as a “term of endearment.” A bitch is not a woman who speaks in a harsh tone of voice. It is not a woman who is abrasive or rude. She is polite but clear. She communicates directly with a man, in much the same way men communicate with one another. In this way, it’s easier for a man to deal with her than with a woman who waffles or appears too emotional, because the emotionally sensitive type of woman confuses him. The bitch knows what she likes and has an easier time expressing it directly. As a result, she usually gets what she wants. Here are the ten characteristics that define her.

  1. She maintains her independence.

  It doesn’t matter if she is the CEO of a company or a waitress at Denny’s. She earns an honest living. She has honor, and she isn’t standing there with her hand out.

  2. She doesn’t pursue him.

  The moon and the sun and the stars don’t revolve around him. She doesn’t make her dates with him when her horoscope advises that his big Mercury is about to retrograde in her little Venus. She doesn’t chase him or keep tabs on him. He is not the center of the world.

  3. She is mysterious.

  There is a difference between honesty and disclosure. She is honest but does not reveal everything. She isn’t verbally putting her cards on the table. Familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.

  4. She leaves him wanting.

  She doesn’t see him every night or leave long messages on his machine. She isn’t on a first-name basis with his secretary in one week. Men equate longing with love. Longing is good.

  5. She doesn’t let him see her sweat.

  She keeps communication from getting messy and avoids communicating when upset. When she clears her head, she is succinct and speaks in a “bottom line” way.

  6. She remains in control of her time.

  She takes it slowly, especially when he wants to hurry. She moves to her rhythm, not his, preventing him from taking control of her.

  7. She maintains a sense of humor.

  A sense of humor lets him know she is detached. However, she doesn’t treat disrespect as a laughing matter.

  8. She places a high value on herself.

  When he gives her a compliment, she says thank you. She doesn’t talk him out of it. She doesn’t ask what the ex looked like and doesn’t compete with other women.

  9. She is passionate about something other than him.

  When he feels he isn’t the “be all and end all” of her existence, it makes her more desirable. Staying busy ensures she isn’t resentful if he is unavailable. He doesn’t have a monopoly on the rent space in her head. He doesn’t get Park Place, and he doesn’t get Boardwalk. He gets one of those little purple properties next to Go.

  10. She treats her body like a finely tuned machine.

  She maintains her appearance and health. A person’s self-respect is reflected in how he or she maintains physical appearance. If he tells her he doesn’t like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, if it makes her feel good.

  2

  WHY MEN

  Prefer

  BITCHES

  Cracking the Code:

  What Every Nice Girl Needs to Know

  “Happiness? A good cigar, a good

  meal, a good cigar, and a good

  woman—or a bad woman. It

  depends on how much happiness

  you can handle.”

  —GEORGE BURNS

  The Thrill of the Chase

  Women need to understand that men love the “thrill of the chase” and are highly competitive. They like racing cars, engaging in athletics, and hunting. They like to fix things, to figure things out, to pursue.

  The cat-and-mouse game that women find maddening is actually very exciting to men. This is a very basic difference between the sexes. For a woman, the objective is often a committed relationship, also known as the destination. For a man, the road trip on the way to the destination is often the most fun.

  The bitch understands that when a man wants something he’ll go after it, and going after it makes him want it even more. If he doesn’t succeed right away, he starts to crave it. It captures his interest and excites his imagination. A woman who is too nice throws cold water on this process. A man is more likely to get bored when he hasn’t really invested much of himself.

  No one respects a freebie or a handout in any facet of life. When a woman sleeps with a man right away, it doesn’t pull him in. The men I interviewed often admitted that if the sex was too easy to get, it was not that great.

  It’s like blackjack. If he wins big right up front, he’s done for the night. But with the slow win, things deve lop differently He wins a few hands and then loses a couple. At this point, wild horses couldn’t pull him away, because he feels so close to winning again. He can almost taste it. His inborn, competitive male nature kicks in and makes him stay there and fight. And if he’s losing, he’ll fight even harder.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #10

  When a woman doesn’t give in easily and

  doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her.

  Another example is when he goes on a hunting trip with “the boys.” They go out for a whole week. He sleeps in a grungy sleeping bag and gets chewed up by mosquitoes. He eats food that prison inmates wouldn’t touch. For what? The hunt. Then if he actually kills a moose, he comes home prouder than a peacock and wants to hang the moose head on the wall in the den. (Look out—the hunter is now a decorator.)

  Let’s notice something, because it is significant. If you were to drop a dead moose on his doorstep, he’d want nothing to do with it. It could be the very same moose he had hunted, and yet it could have a totally different effect on him. This is how the pursuit affects his interest in a woman. When a woman chases a man, it has the same effect as if she were to deliver a dead moose to his front door.

  The objective while dating is not to be mean. It’s to give him the thrill of the chase by taking it slowly and letting him be a man. It’s easy to understand his nature because it is our human nature, too.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE # 11

  Being right on the verge of getting something

  generates a desire that has to be satisfied.

  Men often admit, “You always want what you can’t have.” The bitch never lets him feel that he has her under his thumb. Since he never quite has her, he never stops pursuing her.

  So when he thinks he’s making progress and he has you right where he wants you, sometimes it’s appropriate to gently remind him that you aren’t under his thumb. Here are just a few comparisons between the nice girl and the bitch.

  SCENARIO #1: HE CALLS YOU AND EXPECTS YOU TO BE AT HOME.

  If the nice girl leaves, she calls first to tell him where she’ll be and what time she’ll be back. The bitch lets him think about where she is every now and then.

  Often she’ll assure him that her cell phone’s on, should he want to get ahold of her. She lets him wonder if she’s outside his reach by not always reporting her whereabouts.

  SCENARIO #2: HE SAYS HE'LL CALL AT AROUND A CERTAIN TIME AFTER HE GETS IN. THE CALL IS FOUR HOURS LATE.

  The nice girl yells at him and says she was worried. “You should have called!” The bitch isn’t so easily upset, so she isn’t so easy to read. She may or may not pick up the phone, which makes him miss her.

  SCENARIO #3: HE SEEMS A LITTLE WITHDRAWN, PENSIVE, AND NOT PARTICULARLY TALKATIVE.

  The nice girl continually pries and asks, “What are you thinking about?” She worries that he is pulling away. The bitch is in her own thoughts. She doesn’t panic, which makes him come her way.

  SCENARIO #4: HE IS VERY LATE FOR A DATE AND KEEPS HER WAITING.

  The nice girl waits, calls him on his cell phone four times, and tells him he should “value her more.” The bitch waits a halfhour and then makes other plans.

  The difference in these situations isn’t as much how you treat him as how you treat yourself. The bitch’s behavior lets him know without any words that she will not pull the plug on her life to accommodate him.

  ____

  Are You Too Nice?

  A Pop Quiz

  ____

  1. Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second-guess yourself?

  Yes No

  2. Do you often try to tell your partner that you want to be treated with respect?

  Yes No

  3. Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for what you want or need?

  Yes No

  4. Do you often pass up sleep or the need for personal time to meet his needs?

  Yes No

  5. Do you regularly see him on short notice or when it is convenient for him?

  Yes No

  6. Do you find that you repeat what you’ve asked for as though he didn’t hear it the first time?

  Yes No

  7. After a fight, are you always the first one to contact him or apologize?

  Yes No

  8. Do you find you are much more doting and affectionate than he is?

  Yes No

  9. Do you often feel depleted after he has been with you?

  Yes No

  10. Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance?

  Yes No

  ____

  If you’ve answered yes to five or more of these ten questions, you are giving far more than you are receiving. Let’s explore why giving yourself up is never in your best interests.

  Women understand the concept of balance between work and play. They balance time with family and time with friends. They balance a job with getting an education. But when it comes to a man, the nice girl abandons all sense of balance and immediately makes the man the whole pie. But with a bitch, he is just a piece of it. She keeps the other pieces intact.

  It all starts out subtly. “What are you doing right now?” he asks when he calls her from his cell phone. “Well, I was going to catch a movie with a girlfriend,” she answers. The operative word is was (past tense). Then he asks, “Want to hook up?” She pauses for two seconds. “Okay.”

  A man will try to get you to be very accessible because it’s natural that he’ll want to make things more convenient for himself. And he’ll do so by saying the following to pressure you to accommodate him:

  “I don’t like to plan things.”

  “I like to be spontaneous.”

  “I like to fly by the seat of my pants.”

  Another key factor that distinguishes the nice girl from the bitch is how much of herself she’ll give up. Once you’re in a relationship and he’s shown a pattern of being interested over time, then it’s okay to be a little more spontaneous. In the beginning, however, don’t make yourself so accessible. If you do, the relationship will always be on his terms.

  The nice girl will often cancel plans with a girlfriend if she gets a last-minute date. The bitch will hold her own simply by keeping her previously set plans. I know one bitchy woman whose partner absolutely adores her. If she’s painting her toenails when he calls, she’ll still say, “Thank you so much, but I’m a little busy right now.”

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #12

  A man knows which woman

  will give in to last-minute requests.

  Sometimes a man will get tickets to something at the last minute. Or he’ll plan a romantic surprise. He is spontaneous, but clearly you’re his first priority—so this is harmless. You’re in good shape if he’s calling you all the time and wants to see a lot of you.

  What you want to guard against is going on last-minute dates or getting those last-minute calls to do something because he didn’t have anything better planned. Sometimes when a woman has feelings for a man, she can’t distinguish between the two.

  THE SPONTANEOUS GUY WHO IS TREATING YOU LIKE A BACKUP VS. THE SPONTANEOUS GUY WHO ADORES YOU

  You don’t hear from him for two weeks at a time and then all of a sudden you get a phone call. He makes dates ahead of time, and he also wants to see you spontaneously in between.

  He prioritizes social engagements with his drinking buddies. His buddies complain that he fell off the face of the earth. They hassle him but he doesn’t seem to care.

  He makes travel arrangements with friends and never asks you to accompany him. He’s constantly asking you to take time off from work so you can get away together.

  He’s irritable when he’s around you and frequently complains of not having more time to himself. He’s happy to be in your company. His friends and family all think he looks happier than he’s ever looked.

  He calls you to cancel plans for that evening. Later that night, you call rig ht back and it goes directly to voice mail. Then he calls the following day with a good excuse. If he has to cancel, he feels badly about it. He calls you when he gets in from wherever he is because he has nothing to hide and he wants you to know he’s being totally “on the level.”

  He won’t ever take you out or spend much money. He may ask you for a loan. Before you know it, you’re supporting the guy through college. He’ll do anything just to see you smile.

  You make it known that you’re available on a weekend night. And even though he works during the week, he doesn’t make himself available to see you. He almost always sees you whenever you have time, unless he has a professional commitment or there’s an important extenuating circumstance.

  A common example is the typical “booty call.” First, the guy waits to hear back from someone else before confirming whether he can see you. He’ll call at 5:00 and say he hasn’t showered yet and he’s on the way At 7:00 he calls again and pulls the plug: “My friend Troy stopped by” Then he says he’ll make it an early night with Troy and tells you he wants to get together afterward. He gets in late, and that’s when he offers to see you, providing you drive to his place.

  No matter how much you want to see him, don’t go. At this point, you want to seriously consider not ever seeing him again. If you do go, you won’t be more appealing to him; you’ll be turning the dimmer switch down on his attraction for you.

  A friend of mine named Crystal was in this exact situation and handled it perfectly. A man named Brett called her on a Saturday night; it was well after midnight and raining, and he asked her in a seductive tone of voice to drive to his place. A classic booty call. Crystal hadn’t heard from Brett in two weeks, since he’d indicated he wanted to “see other people.” He also lived 35 miles away from her at the time.