Why Men Love Bitches Page 5

  The Power of Choice

  Who can forget the scene in Coming to America in which Eddie Murphy, as the prince, stands before the altar prepared to wed his beautiful bride in a prearranged marriage? Before the ceremony, he takes the bride into a back room and asks her, “What do you like?” She responds, “Whatever you like.” Then he asks her what she likes to eat. “Whatever you like.” Her answers become more and more subservient. Then he tells her to bark like a dog and hop on one leg. When she does, he realizes he can’t go through with the wedding.

  A man wants a woman who has a mind of her own. An opinion. The way you assert yourself lets him know whether you have self-confidence. It lets him know you can hold up your end of the bargain. When he gives you a “little crap,” you can give him a “little crap” right back. He respects a woman who can “trade blows” with him and hold her own.

  You don’t have to always agree with everything he believes. A man falls in love with a woman when he feels he has “met his match.”

  If you feel strongly about something, don’t be afraid to say so. When he asks, “What movie do you want to see?” don’t always tell him to choose. How about saying, “Hey, I sat through two of your ‘shoot-’em-up-bang-bang’ movies, so we’re seeing a ‘chick-flick’ tonight.” Men are attracted to a woman who can speak her mind. As one married man described, “Sometimes, get dressed to go out and tell him to stay home with the kids. Don’t ask him. Tell him.”

  Another said something even more poignant. “I don’t think most men would mind if a woman was the one in control at home. Just as long as no one else knew about it.”

  So begin your dating relationship with a voice. Don’t give the impression you are spineless. Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan’s character takes an hour to order her sandwich? Have an opinion. State a preference. Be polite, but don’t be afraid to express yourself.

  For example, suppose you’re at the video store deciding between two movies to rent. Don’t get the one that you’ve already seen. “I’ll see it again if you haven’t seen it.” Slap yourself. “There are a lot of good movies. How about we get one neither one of us has seen?”

  If he suggests Indian food and you absolutely hate it, say, “Hey, I heard there’s a really good new restaurant right next door.” Show him that you aren’t afraid to make a suggestion or take the initiative. Assume that a man wants to be a gentleman. And if he wants to be a gentleman, he wants to please you.

  The bitch requires an equivocal situation, whereas the nice girl does not. If the guy insists on picking the movie or restaurant all the time and has no regard for what she likes, the bitch will not have any contact with him. It isn’t about Italian or Chinese. It isn’t about one movie over another. It’s about whether he shows her he is selfish. This is a character flaw the bitch won’t tolerate.

  This is a silly example, but I’ll offer it because evidently it worked. A Swedish girlfriend of mine named Anna recently had dinner with a man, and he ordered two lobsters. The waiter brought the two live lobsters to the table and asked, “Will this be okay, sir?” My friend is not a vegetarian, but she grew up with a couple of pet frogs in Sweden and was alarmed to see the lobsters’ little legs kicking. She said, “I just couldn’t sit through the next five minutes knowing these two things would be boiled alive,” and she insisted that he change the order.

  Anna would have bet her life savings that this guy would never call her again, but he did. He called almost every day that week. He wanted to please her more than he wanted lobster. That’s a gentleman. I’m not saying the lobster example is a trick you should try at home, but it’s far better than the Eddie Murphy bride who said, “Whatever you like.”

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #19

  More than anything else, he watches to see if

  you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him.

  It isn’t that a man wants a woman who is “bitching” all the time or complaining about everything that’s wrong in her life. He wants a woman who isn’t afraid to disagree or express an opinion.

  When he asks on the first date, “What do you like to do?” don’t shrug and say, “Um. You know. Stuff” You don’t need to say you’ll bungee jump, climb mountains, and then come home and have sex all night. But show him that you have an “appetite for life.” Your life.

  It’s all in how you describe things. “Occasionally, (yawn) I pick up a book.” This not the same as “There is this amazing book I’m reading by Susan Faludi, and it’s so intriguing. She’s such an incredible writer.”

  To better understand why men are put off by needy women, keep this example in mind. Ever had a girlfriend who always comes around when she is upset over some guy? In between relationships, she is nowhere to be found. After not hearing from her for two months, she cries on your shoulder when the guy blows her off. Then you don’t see her again until the next guy dumps her.

  Eventually you won’t want to be around her because you won’t feel as though she is contributing to your friendship. That’s how a guy feels when you are too dependent on him. It becomes a burden if you lean on him too much. He is only human, and he has his own problems. Show him that you’ll be an equal partner, which means that you also have something to contribute.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #20

  He must feel that you choose to be with him,

  not that you need to be with him. Only then

  will he perceive you as an equal partner.

  The mere fact that the bitch can throw a little weight around or put him in his place once in a while gives him the impression she doesn’t need to be with him. She can stand on her own two feet. So, instead of feeling as if he’s lost his freedom, he feels as though he’s gained a strong woman. The relationship is a contributing force, rather than an obligation he’s stuck with.

  This is also why giving him space is so important. It makes you look proud rather than desperate. It enables you to remain a challenge indefinitely. Why? You chose to be with him. You didn’t need to be. As a person, you feel you are complete with him or without him. This is the most important thing you can convey: independence rather than dependence. This is what gives him the perception you can hold your own.

  3

  THE

  Candy

  STORE

  How to Make the Most of

  Your Feminine and Sexual Powers

  “Sex is like a small business.

  Ya’ gotta watch over it.”

  —MAE WEST

  One Jujube at a Time

  If you look at the run-of-the-mill survey of what men find attractive in a woman, you’ll get the basic, boring, predictable answers: “Studies have concluded that what men look for is… appearance, chemistry, and the way a woman carries herself.” What a shocker!

  Then you turn the page. “Buy a new lip gloss… pluck out all your eyebrows and draw them back in… stick three vials of collagen in your glossed-up lips…” And this will get him eating out of your hand, right? Not in this life. You’ll be right back where you started but with no eyebrows.

  Ever wonder why you see a gorgeous guy marry the girl-next-door? To your eye she looks plain, but to his eye she’s a “natural beauty.” It doesn’t matter if her most glamorous moment was winning the Miss Pumpkin Patch contest on a farm at age six. When he goes to bed with her, he’s happier than a fat rat in a cheese factory.

  In general, there are two things a woman does to encourage a man to fall madly in love after he is attracted to her. First, she appeals to his imagination, sexually. Second, she waits a little while before consummating the relationship, sexually. This brings us to the “candy store” theory: Don’t give up the candy store at once. Give it one jujube at a time.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #21

  If a man has to wait before he sleeps

  with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her

  as more beautiful, he’ll also take time

  to appreciate who she is.

  What men don’t want wo men to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into one of two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile.” And the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’ll almost never come back out.

  It’s not that the bitch is slutty or more conservative—it’s that she demands that he treat her as though she is “worth-while.” And, more often than not, it means revealing her sexuality a little at a time.

  With her demeanor, the bitch is subtly “driving that train.” Because he perceives her as slightly standoffish, he knows a lot of other men can’t get to her. In fact, he’s not even sure if he can have her. So he’ll rarely get the luxury of being able to assume that she’s a “good time only” companion.

  The doormat is more likely to be perceived as a pushover sexually because she’s more likely to sleep with a man for the wrong reasons—and much too soon. It has nothing to do with whether she appears conservative. Whether her style is long skirts and a ponytail and she attends napkin-folding class—or she wears sexy clothes and seems like a party girl—the out-come can be the same. In either scenario, if she has sex with a man because she feels she needs to do so in order to win him, he’ll sense it and begin to lose respect for her.

  A man named Brad described this distinction: “There are two types of sexy. The woman who is obviously trying to be sexy. Then there is the woman who isn’t trying to be sexy—she just is. Most guys find the second one to be much sexier. It may not seem like that, because the woman who is trying hard will get you to do a double-take because she’s more obvious about it. But the woman who isn’t trying is sexier. And that’s the girl you’ll take seriously.”

  What is more interesting is that Brad is just out of college. And if a guy in his early twenties saw this with 20/20 vision, rest assured—so will most men you meet.

  The following table shows how a man can quickly make these observations with relatively little information. Note that both types of women exude sexiness, yet one appears needy and the other doesn’t.

  A “GOOD TIME ONLY” WOMAN VS. A “WORTHWHILE” WOMAN

  She talks a lot about sex on the first date or in the first phone conversation. She flirts more subtly and uses body language to convey her sensuality.

  She wears an outfit that is very short, showing leg, cleavage, and back. Her sexuality is overstated. She follows the pattern of what he sees all the time. She shows one physical attribute. Or she wears something that’s slightly sheer. Her sexuality seems like it’s a part of who she is. It doesn’t seem forced.

  She compliments him incessantly or hangs all over him. She keeps him interested by giving him compliments when he’s hoping to have sex, so he feels he’s “in the game.”

  She wears a black lace teddy for him on the third date, leaving nothing for him to imagine. She hangs the same nightie on the back of her bathroom door, so he sees it when he uses her bathroom. Then his eyes almost burn a hole through her clothes as he imagines seeing her in it.

  On the second date she invites him in. He promised they’d “just cuddle.” They end up sleeping together; but she ends up feeling insecure about it. He has then had the whole candy store. They kiss passionately at the door. She’d love to invite him in, but she controls her own urges and tells him good night on her porch.

  The spark fizzles. The spark doesn’t fizzle… it ignites.

  How long should you wait before having sex? As long as you can. At the very least, keep it platonic for the first month. This tactic gives you time to learn about him. You don’t want to wait until after you sleep with him to learn he’s married. Or that he has an ex-girlfriend who has chronic car problems and regularly needs a lift. Or that his first cousin recently dumped him when he cheated on her with her older sister.

  Giving up the candy store one jujube at a time isn’t about being celibate or virginal. It is about ensuring that you look out for number one. It ensures that the man develops a habit of putting forth effort so that you are treated the way you want to be treated.

  Not having sex right away is about playing your cards right so that small things matter. This is when he’ll get a chill down his spine because you gently hold his hand in a public place. Or he’ll call you several times just to get a glimpse of you. And in his mind, you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. It’s all about having that magic spark. And men live for that spark.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #22

  Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.

  A Sweeter Victory

  If a man feels as though he has to win you over first—sexually with his manliness, wit, or charm—he will place a higher value on you. Men are possessive. He likes knowing that other men cannot easily get to where he is trying to go. Like he’s Captain Kirk and Christopher Columbus all wrapped up in one, he wants to explore new terrain not trampled on by too many men before him. And he judges whether you make “the rounds” by one thing and one thing only: how quickly you give it up to him.

  It is true that there are those rare “chance” liaisons between two people who are generally not promiscuous, and it ends up working out well. But this is the exception, not the rule.

  One of my closest girlfriends, Brittany, is a pharmacist and a beautiful “worthwhile” woman with a lot going for her. Almost always, she sleeps with a man on the first couple of dates.

  Recently she slept with a guy she really liked. Right after they had sex, he appeared to be in his own thoughts. Then he looked at her and asked, “Do you do this with all the guys?” She recalled how it made her feel: “I was mildly insulted!”

  If you have sex immediately with a man, he’ll say to himself, for a short while, “She just couldn’t resist me!” But then he’ll begin to scratch his head and wonder how many other men you also couldn’t resist.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #23

  Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and

  a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it

  reverses. The man is thinking clearly

  and the woman isn’t.

  When sex happens at lightning speed, the man has achieved what he wanted. The reason he thinks more clearly after sex is that he’s relieved and has already attained his goal. Meanwhile, the woman is just starting to pursue her goal. She has unfinished business. Then she chases him… and he runs.

  Like it or not, in the beginning you’re subtly negotiating the terms of your relationship. And if you strike a deal too soon, you give up all your bargaining power. The bitch takes her time deciding whether the man is someone she wants to strike a deal with in the first place. And she won’t be a pit stop or a notch on a belt.

  At first, he wants to sleep with you. He doesn’t care what you do for a living. He doesn’t care what kind of car you drive. He doesn’t care that you like a doughnut and coffee in the morning with Equal and nonfat milk. So you have to turn it into something else.

  When you make him wait, he begins to notice that you are “different.” And that’s when he begins to care that you like nonfat milk, not cream, in your coffee.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #24

  Every man wants to have sex first;

  whether he wants a girlfriend is something

  he thinks about later. By not giving him what

  he wants up front, you become his girlfriend

  without him realizing it.

  Men like the game that women find maddening. Picture the following scenario: A red-blooded American male is watching a Super Bowl game in which the score is 47 to 3. That’s not very exciting, right? But if he’s watching a Super Bowl game that goes into overtime—now he’s on the edge of his seat for three hours. His team triumphs and he starts screaming: “Yes! Yes!” His favorite sports idol on TV is now spanking everyone else on the rear while he’s breaking out the drinks for a celebration.

  Ten years later, if you were to ask him about that game-winning final play, he’d describe it as though it happened yesterday. The same thing happens when a woman gives herself over slowly. He becom es much more excited about it.

  This may sound “old school,” but rest assured it is advice based on countless interviews I conducted with men, both young and old. A perfect example is Nathan. He just turned twenty-five, and he does pretty well with the ladies. Here’s what he had to say, word-for-word:

  If she gives it up too soon, we stop with the romance and we stop working at it. And truthfully, we’d rather be working hard at it. We enjoy playing the game, and if it ends too soon, we’re disappointed. We even struggle inside, subconsciously. We know we want to get it, but we know we want the girl to make us wait. Otherwise, it’s a one- or a two-time thing. And then you move on.

  Granted, there are some men who don’t want to invest any effort. These are the men who subscribe to the “three-date rule.” This rule holds that if a woman doesn’t put out by the third date, the man should stop pursuing her altogether.

  There are men who truly want to find a woman they can spend time with. However, the “three-date rule” is for men who have ruled out this option entirely; they just want to hit and run. If a man leaves because he didn’t score by the third date, it’s a clear signal he would have left after getting it anyway.

  The nice girl is more likely to feel obligated, pressured, or manipulated to sleep with a man early on. She sleeps with him and then believes she’ll hook him with great sex, as though what she has to offer sexually is “golden.” The bitch understands that the sex only becomes “golden” when he doesn’t get it right away.