Why Men Love Bitches Read online

  Why Men Love Bitches

  Sherry Argov

  With saucy detail on every page, this no-nonsense guide reveals why a strong woman is much more desirable than a “yes woman” who routinely sacrifices herself. Contending that some women are “too nice,” comedian and radio show host Sherry Argov has written Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl—A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.

  “I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition,” Argov writes, “The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won't chase a man.”

  Her sassy book is filled with scenarios and advice aimed at making women subtly stronger and self-empowered. Argov’s principles, which range from the farfetched to the downright absurd, include “If you give him a feeling of power, he'll want to protect you and he'll want to give you the world” and “A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.” The book, which has already been featured on The View and The O’Reilly Factor, should make waves with its controversial view of relationships.

  Sherry Argov

  WHY MEN

  LOVE

  Bitches®

  Praise for Sherry Argov’s

  WHY MEN LOVE

  Bitches®

  “No one’s ever written a relationship book like this one. This book takes satire to a whole new level. It’s not only funny, it’s very real. It is full of ‘slice of life humor’ that covers everything that frustrates women about men.”

  —BELINDA FOSTER, producer of the Girls of the Comedy Store at the World Famous Comedy Store

  “Her sassy book is filled with scenarios and advice aimed at making women subtly stronger and self-empowered. The book, which has already been featured on The View and The O’Reilly Factor, should make waves with its controversial view of relationships.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Wow! I am impressed… the information is clear and necessary My hat is off…”

  —RAYE HOLLITT, actress and star of American Gladiators; also appeared on Baywatch and JAG

  “Hysterically funny, irresistible, and very saucy!!!”

  —LORIN ROCHE, Ph.D., author, Meditation Made Easy

  “There is so much insightful information for women presented in a way that really feels good so women can ‘get it.’ The humor really sets this book apart because it makes the message palatable. It’s the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down.”

  —PEGGY G. MILLER, MFT, psychotherapist

  “Smart, witty, and right on. A must-read for any woman who wants to capture her man’s interest.”

  —Judy Mazel, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller The Beverly Hills Diet

  Dedication

  I dedicate this book to

  my mother and father.

  Acknowledgements

  First and foremost, I’d like to thank and acknowledge my parents, Aby and Judy Argov, the two most special people in my life.

  Special thanks to Gary M. Krebs, Publishing Director at Adams Media Corporation, for his immediate and continued support of this project and invaluable creative direction. It is an honor working with him.

  I would also like to thank Bob Adams for having a publishing house with such a great team. A special thanks goes out to Publicity Director Carrie (Lewis) McGraw, Assistant Editor Kate Epstein, Copy Chief Laura MacLaughlin, and Art Director Paul Beatrice, for his creative vision and beautiful cover design. I would really like to thank Daria Perreault, Manager of Design and Technology, for her creative talent and for truly going the extra mile.

  Special thanks to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, coauthors of The Rules, for their endorsement, vote of confidence, and for cohosting “Dating Dilemmas” with me.

  I would also like to thank the other people who offered their endorsements: Belinda Foster, Don Gibb, Wings Hauser, Raye Hollitt, Peggy G. Miller, Lorin Roche, and Lynn Sterba.

  I would like to thank everyone at KRLA and KLSX for the opportunity to be on the air.

  I’d like to thank Senior Editor of the Palisadian-Post, Bill Bruns, who gave me the opportunity to write for the paper, and for the time he spent mentoring me.

  I’d like to thank my photographer Jeff Hyman for his kindness, which will always be remembered; Daniel Dydzak, for being a great attorney and a great friend; Judy Mazel and Mike Cohn for helping me get started in the publishing business; and Joel and Charlotte Parker of Parker PR for believing in this book since the conception of the idea. Thanks also to Christopher Napolitano, Senior Editor of Playboy Enterprises, for giving me my first interview and the opportunity to have the book featured in the magazine.

  Special thanks to everyone who contributed stories and shared their experiences for this book. A special thanks to my close friend Susanne Nissen, who listened and laughed through each chapter while running up her long-distance phone bill.

  Would also like to mention Ben and Bryn Argov and congratulate them on their new arrival, as well as a little thank you to my cat Tigger. Last but not least, I’d like to thank the special man in my life for his continued support, and for always making me smile.

  Introduction

  Why Men Love Bitches is a relationship guide for women who are “too nice.” The word bitch in the title does not take itself too seriously—I’m using the word in a tongue-in-cheek way representative of the humorous tone of this book.

  The title and the content address what many women think, but don’t say. Every woman has felt embarrassed by appearing too needy with a man. Every woman has had a man pursue her, only to lose interest the minute she gave in. Every woman knows what it feels like to be taken for granted. These problems are common to most women, married and single alike.

  So why do men love bitches? An important distinction should be made between the pejorative way the word is usually used, and the way it is used here. Certainly, I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The bitch I’m talking about is not the “bitch on wheels” or the mean-spirited character that Joan Collins played on Dynasty. Nor is it the classic “office bitch” who is hated by everyone at work.

  The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line.

  She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. But she’s feminine, like a “Steel Magnolia”—flowery on the outside and steel on the inside. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary.

  In addition, she has the ability to remain cool under pressure. Whereas a woman who is “too nice” gives and gives until she is depleted, the woman with presence of mind knows when to pull back.

  Among the hundreds of interviews I conducted with men for the book, over 90 percent laughed and agreed with the title within the first thirty seconds. Some men chuckled as though their best-kept secret had just been revealed. “Men need a mental challenge,” they said. Time and time again, this was the recurrent theme.

  The men I interviewed all phrased it slightly differently, but the message didn’t change. “Men like it when a woman has a bit of an edge to her,” they said. Two things became clear across the board: First, they would regularly use the phrase mental challenge to describe a woman who didn’t appear needy. And second, the word bitch was synonymous with their concept of mental challenge. And this characteristic, above all, they found attractive.

  When I used the phrase mental challenge with men, it was immediately clear to them the quality I meant. On the other hand, when I interviewed hundreds of women, rarely did they understand the same phrase. They often related the phrase to intelligence, rather than to neediness. It wasn’t just that my hunch was confirmed by these interviews; they also strengthened my sense of purpose. I thought that anything this obvious to men should not be kept a secret from women.

  This book addresses the very issues that men won’t. He won’t say, “Look, don’t be a doormat,” “Don’t always say yes,” “Don’t revolve your whole world around me.” This book is necessary because these are things a man will not spell out for his partner.

  In the chapters that follow, you’ll find one message coming through loud and clear: Success in love isn’t about looks; it’s about attitude. The media would have us believe differently. A teenage girl picks up a magazine and reads: “Get that boy’s attention” with an item of clothing, or a certain look. “This nail color or lipstick will wow him,” the magazine assures her. And what does the girl learn? How to obsess over someone else’s approval.

  Then there is the issue of how the media treats aging. The teenage woman evolves into a twenty-something woman with confidence, and the media bombards her with negative images of aging. The message here is: Two wrinkles and a stretch mark, and she’s “marked down” like last season’s merchandise that’s sold at half price. And what does she learn? How to obsess over someone else’s disapproval.

  So what’s the message of this book? It’s that a bit of irreverence is necessary to have any self-esteem at all. Not irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think. The bitch is an empowered woman who derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that still teaches women how to be self-abnegating. This woman doesn’t live someone else’s standards, only her own.

  This is the woman who plays by her own rules, who has a feeling of confidence, freedom, and empowerment. And it’s this feeling that I hope women will glean from reading this book.

  The woman who has a positive experience with men possesses the ever-so-subtle qualities I discuss in this book: a sense of humor and an aura that conveys, “I’m driving the train here. I’ll tell you where we get on and where we get off.” This woman has that presence of mind to do what is in her best interest and an attitude that says she doesn’t need to be there. She is there by choice.

  The bitchy women who are so loved by men give off a devil-may-care quality and, yes, have that “edge.” This is that same edge, coincidentally, that men say they find so magnetic. The difference is this woman isn’t looking for it outside herself; it is a special quality she carries within.

  Note: Throughout this book, some names have been changed at the request of those interviewed.

  1

  FROM DOORMAT

  TO

  Dreamgirl

  Act Like a Prize and You’ll Turn

  Him into a Believer

  “Sex appeal is 50% what

  you’ve got, and 50% what

  people think you’ve got.”

  —SOPHIA LOREN

  Meet the Nice Girl

  Everyone has known a “nice girl.” She is the woman who will overcompensate, giving everything to a man she barely knows, without him having to invest much in the relationship. She’s the woman who gives blindly because she wants so much for her attentions to be reciprocated. She’s the woman who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep the relationship at all costs. Every woman, at some point, has been there.

  Certainly, the average fashion magazine gives women ridiculous relationship advice that makes it easy to understand why women are so eager to overcompensate: “Play hard to get, then cook him a four-course meal… bake him Valentine’s cookies with exotic sprinkles shipped from Malaysia (just like Martha Stewart). Don’t forget the little doilies and the organic strawberries that you drove two hours to get. Then serve it all to him on the second date, wearing a black lace nightie.” And what is this a recipe for? Disaster.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #1

  Anything a person chases in life runs away.

  Especially when it comes to dealing with a man. With one caveat: If you chase him in a black nightie, first he’ll have sex with you… and then he’ll run.

  Why does a man run from a situation like this one? He runs because the woman’s behavior doesn’t suggest that she places a high value on herself. The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shallow. Yet she’s already dealt him her best card.

  The fact that she is willing to overcompensate to a virtual stranger immediately suggests one of two things. He’ll either assume she is desperate, or he’ll assume she is willing to sleep with all men right away. Or both. What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort. Once a man begins to lose respect for a woman because she is willing to subtly devalue herself, he will also lose the desire to get closer to her. Nightie or no nightie.

  A dreamgirl, on the other hand, won’t kill herself to impress anyone. This is why the woman he really falls in love with doesn’t serve a four-course meal. And you won’t see her breaking out the fancy china, either. She’ll start out cooking him a one-course meal. (Popcorn.) No fancy doilies. A Tupperware bowl does the trick. She simply asks her guest, “Hey, do you want the bag or the bowl?” Six months later, the same woman throws together a meal and puts down a hot plate in front of him. And what does he say to himself? “Man! I’m special!”

  It doesn’t matter if it is pasta with Ragu topped by a meat-ball you picked up at the corner deli. He’ll say, “This is the best pasta I have ever had in my life!”

  Now he feels like a king. And the only difference is the amount of time and effort he had to invest, first. He didn’t get it all right up front and he appreciated it more.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #2

  The women who have the men climbing the

  walls for them aren’t always exceptional.

  Often, they are the ones who don’t

  appear to care that much.

  This isn’t about how to play a game or how to manipulate someone. This is about whether you are genuinely needy, or whether you can genuinely show him that you’ll be an equal partner in the relationship. It’s about whether you are capable of holding your own in a relationship.

  What would happen if you let him know from day one that you are willing to bend over backward? He’d think you’re desperate, and he’d want to see just how far you’d be willing to bend. It is human nature. He’d immediately start to test the waters. The more malleable you’d become, the more he’d expect you to bend. He’ll instantly perceive you as a Duracell battery, as in, “Just how far will she go? How much can I get out of her?”

  Nice girls need to know what a bitch understands. Overcompensating or being too eager to please will lessen a man’s respect; it will give the kiss of death to his attraction, and it will put a time limit on the relationship.

  Most men don’t perceive a woman who jumps through hoops as someone who offers a mental challenge. Intelligent women make the mistake of assuming that if they hold a higher degree, they can hold their own in a political debate, and they have a good understanding of mid-caps, they offer a man mental stimulation during dinner. But the mental challenge has little to do with conversation. (Granted, if she thinks that Al Green and Alan Greenspan are the same person, then Houston? We have a problem.)

  In general, the mental challenge has to do with whether you expect to be respected. It has to do with how you relate to him. It has to do with whether he knows that you aren’t afraid to be without him.

  The nice girl makes the mistake of being available all the time. “I don’t want to play games,” she says. So, she lets him see how afraid she is to be without him and he soon comes to feel as though he has a 100 percent h old on her. This is often the point when women begin to complain: “He doesn’t make enough time for me. He isn’t as romantic as he used to be.”

  A bitch is more selective about her availability. She’s available sometimes; other times she’s not. But she’s nice. Nice enough, that is, to consider his preferences for when he’d like to see her so that she can sometimes accommodate them. Translation? No 100 percent hold.

  What about the woman who will drop everything and drive to see a man? The man also knows he has a 100 percent hold on her. After a couple of dates, he goes out with the boys, comes in at midnight, calls her, and off she goes to see him. When a woman drives to see a man in the middle of the night, the only thing missing is a neon sign on the roof of her car that says WE DELIVER.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #3

  A woman is perceived as offering a mental

  challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t

  feel he has a 100 percent hold on her.

  Your time with him is telling. The nice girl sits in a chair after a week of knowing the guy, bored out of her mind as he does something that interests him. He may be watching sports on TV, cleaning his fishing gear, strumming his guitar, or working on his car. She is miserable but doesn’t say a peep. Instead, she tries to make the best of it and twiddles her thumbs politely, just so she can be in his company.

  The bitch, on the other hand, makes plenty of peeps. In fact, she is bitching the whole way through. This is not a bad thing, because then he knows he can’t walk all over her. But remember, a mental challenge has little to do with being verbally combative. It has to do with your actions and how much of yourself you are willing to give up. For example, he says he likes blondes. You have dark skin, dark eyes, and black hair. The next time he sees you, you’ve bleached your hair and dyed your eyebrows to match. Translation? He’ll sense he has a 100 percent hold on you.