Why Men Love Bitches Read online

  Crystal said, “Okay, sweetie. I’m on my way. Give me five minutes to put on a garter belt under my raincoat. I’ll be there in forty minutes.” She also asked Brett to wait downstairs for her in the rain with an umbrella, so she wouldn’t get drenched walking to the front of his apartment complex. He waited and waited and waited. Three hours later, it occurred to him like a stunning revelation: No booty cometh.

  In the morning Crystal awoke to several messages from Brett. In one of them, he mentioned that he had come down with a severe case of the flu from standing in the rain. (Not her fault. He should have gotten his flu shot.)

  Again, the bitch is very nice. She is as sweet as a Georgia peach. But inside every sweet peach is a strong pit. And this means she won’t explain the obvious when a man is disrespectful. There is no way to hold your own in a relationship and simultaneously accept rude behavior. A quality man doesn’t want a woman he can trot all over. There is nothing wrong with having a little self-respect— and a few conditions.

  Condition #1.

  He books in advance.

  The message? Your time and attention are valuable.

  If you treat yourself as a valuable commodity, he will naturally put more stock in you. For example, he calls and says, “When can I see you?” Don’t say, “I’m wide open around the clock. Pick a time. Anytime!” He suggests Friday. “Okay!” He suggests Tuesday. “Okay!” He suggests three weeks from next Sunday. “Okay!”

  Instead, politely tell him you have two nights that are good for you. Then let him choose one. He’ll probably choose both.

  Here’s a similar circumstance. A doctor I know started a private practice. He didn’t want his receptionist to say, “Sure, we have tons of openings. Drop in any time.” Instead, he instructed her to say, “We can get you in at 2:15 or at 4:15. Which would work for you?” Most people would tend to value an appointment more with a doctor who appears to be fairly busy but is willing to accommodate them than with one who is always open like an allnight convenience store.

  Condition #2.

  Don’t see him when you are “running on empty.”

  The message? He does not come before basic necessities (i.e., rest).

  He says he’d like to see you at 9:00 P.M., and you don’t want to be out too late? Tell him, “I’d prefer to get together earlier.” If he can’t because he is working late, make no issue of it. Simply suggest getting together another night.

  Condition #3.

  If you aren’t having fun or he isn’t good company,

  end the date immediately, and give a

  superficial explanation as to why.

  The message? You have a standard of how you expect to be treated.

  For example, you are on a first date. He gets drunk and behaves badly. For starters, never get into a car with someone who is drinking. Always keep a credit card in your back pocket or a $20 bill in your bra. Tell him you are going home early. Excuse yourself, go to the little girl’s room, and call a cab.

  Another friend named Kelly snagged a guy whom a lot of women wanted by setting the tone from the very beginning. She did so simply by being reticent. The man was extremely successful, very attractive, and charismatic. He first saw Kelly when he was eating his lunch at a cafeteria where she often eats. He had that confident vibe and was used to women hitting on him.

  Kelly was the exception to the rule. He was trying to get her attention while she remained absolutely riveted by her BLT sandwich. She knew that he was watching her, but she pretended not to notice. He came back Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. When he finally asked her out, she paused before she answered, “I don’t know you, so I can’t look at you in a romantic way. We could start as friends and see where it leads.”

  Here’s a guy who was used to women clamoring to be with him, but with Kelly, he was presented with a challenge to pursue a woman who let him know she won’t be so easily won over. In this way, she held her own.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #13

  Whether you have terms and conditions

  indicates whether you have options.

  Almost immediately, you present yourself

  as a doormat or a dreamgirl.

  “Terms and conditions” are a novel idea for the woman who is too nice. (And you shouldn’t leave home without them.) Don’t get me wrong: Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Just be sure to give it after your conditions have been met.

  The Mama/Ho Complex

  In the field of psychoanalysis, there’s a male hang-up called the Madonna/Whore Syndrome. Let’s forget all the fancy psychobabble and refer to the informal Mama/Ho version to better understand our male counterparts.

  The Mama/Ho theory holds that a man will either see you as his “mama” or his “ho.” The word ho is a derivative of the word whore. It is not a garden tool. A ho is any woman he is having sex with, any woman he wants to have sex with, or any woman he has had sex with.

  The antonym for ho is mama. A man will feel affectionate toward a woman who is really sweet and nice, much like the affection he has for his mother. Because she doesn’t present a challenge and she’s always there, he begins to take her for granted. This is when you hear men say, “She’s really nice, but there just wasn’t any chemistry.” Therefore:

  SAFE + BORING + MAMA = NO SPARK

  &

  UNPREDICTABLE + NOT MONOTONOUS + HO = FIREWORKS

  Even though a man is turned on by the independent woman he can’t have, he’ll still try to get you to be like his mama. He’ll want you to cook, clean, and do his laundry.

  One woman I know nipped the issue of laundry in the very beginning. Early in her marriage, she threw a red sweat-shirt in with all of her husband’s white cotton underwear. Then she turned the water on hot to seal the deal. The only underwear he had left was the pair he was wearing. No self-respecting, heterosexual male would ever be caught dead wearing pink underwear. On seeing the ruined garments, her husband threatened her with the very words she wanted to hear, “You will never, ever, ever do my laundry again!”

  What a nice girl should know is that even if you make every effort to be an exemplary housekeeper, he’ll still want a ho behind closed doors. The two are related. Why? Constant mothering will eventually turn a man off. Yes, they say that every man is looking for his mother. This is a nice theory, but it doesn’t mean you should run out and do his laundry or treat him as though you are his keeper. There are four things that make a man feel suffocated or mothered, that often turn him off, and that make him distance himself from you like a rebellious teenager. These are the major Mommy no-no’s:

  • Do not appear to check up on him or ask him to check in with you.

  • Do not expect him (without asking first) to spend all his free time with you.

  • Do not ask him to account for the time that he isn’t with you.

  • Do not be overly doting, leaving him no room to come your way.

  Never give the appearance that you are closing in on him. For example, suppose he gets off the phone with his long-lost Auntie Mae. If you immediately start questioning him or you jump down his throat and demand to know who was on the phone, it has the same effect as throwing on an apron and assuming the role of mama. Like a teenager, he’ll rebel.

  There are many things women inadvertently say that sound very motherly: “Get some rest,” “Don’t stay out late,” “Call me when you get in,” or “Eat something before you go out.” You will make him feel emasculated. It’s no different than telling a two-year-old, “After naptime we’ll have a little cookie.”

  Asking a man to explain himself or check in with you is mothering. Maybe he ran a half-hour late coming home. Perhaps he was having a friend help him fix his lawnmower, or maybe he was having a beer under the hood of his friend’s car. The very second he thinks he has to explain himself to you, he’ll feel as though he is losing his freedom. Then he’ll make up a story to conceal something that didn’t need to be concealed, just to protect his “territory” or his “turf. ” And he’ll feel cornered.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #14

  If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode

  and look for an escape route

  to protect his freedom.

  Don’t make him feel as though he has to ask permission for the day-to-day things he wants to do. It’s smothering to him when you watch him too closely. Don’t give him the feeling he’s under a microscope. He’ll feel controlled and will instantly want to get away.

  When he’s shaving and he’s late for work, don’t push your way into the bathroom to watch him. Don’t look in his car’s glove compartment as though there’s something suspicious in there. Don’t appear to eavesdrop on his phone conversations. Don’t try to take over his kitchen or leave girlie things in his bathroom as though you’re marking your turf. Don’t ask him to spend all his time with you, and don’t say. “I miss you” when he hasn’t seen you in two hours. If you do these things, you are subtly doing the chasing.

  Don’t say things like, “Tuck in your shirt,” “Go wash your hands,” or “Go brush your hair.” Don’t ask him if he’s hungry three times in a row, and don’t wait on him hand and foot—unless he has a cold. (One little sniffle and you can treat it like a terminal illness.)

  Don’t plan all of your weekends together so he has to ask permission to go fishing. Let him catch a couple of fish. Otherwise, he’ll start to break dates. Why? Because he’s acting like a rebellious teenager who’s been given a curfew by mama. He’ll do it deliberately so you don’t get used to dic-tating how his time is spent.

  When you treat your time together as something he has to do, you’ve taken something that was a pleasure and made it a chore. If you are nice, but you give of yourself with strings attached, the demand for reciprocity will send him several steps backward. Whenever you make him feel as though he has to see you, it will feel like work. When it’s not an obligation to see you, the very same thing will feel like pleasure.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #15

  Whenever a woman requires too many things from

  a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants

  to give freely; then observe who he is.

  Men like things that are difficult. They like to drive stick-shift automobiles. They like to jump out of airplanes, and they like to climb mountains. They like to do the impossible. Therefore, when he has to go out of his way to see you, he is actually happier. It will not feel like work to him.

  This theory applies to anything—a phone call, time together, sex, or whether he checks in at the end of the day. If you always make him feel he has plenty of space to do his own thing, he’ll always feel that lust. You’ll be like a lover not like his mother. He’ll perceive you as a privilege rather than an obligation, and he’ll come your way.

  The No Cage Rule

  The minute a man feels vulnerable, he fears being devastated emotionally. When he meets a nice girl, she could potentially represent “forever.” Heaven forbid she lets the word relationship trip off her tongue a couple of times? Call 911. He immediately thinks she wants to latch onto him and have babies. Heaven forbid you get excited to see a cute baby? Trauma. He has nightmares and sees it as a sign that he’s in dire need of a backup form of birth control.

  Sometimes you hear men say, “I want to leave my options open” or “I don’t want to get tied down.” Or they use catch phrases like ball and chain or henpecked. My favorite is a hyphenated term that begins with a female body part and is followed by the word whipped.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #16

  A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he

  doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage.

  Then… he sets out to trap her in his.

  Clearly, men are scared to death of losing control of their freedom. The thought of being stuck with one woman frightens them. If a woman immediately acts as if she expects a man to behave like a serious boyfriend without much effort on his part, he’ll get scared and run off. With the nice girl, it only takes a few dates for him to feel trapped. And then “lock-down mode” begins.

  WHAT SHE SAYS… WHAT HE HEARS

  “I’d love it if you’d let me know where you are at night. It’s just common courtesy”. Limited supervised outings followed by checkin time with the warden.

  “I get upset when you don’t call me when we aren’t together.” The ringing of the keys that are attached to his ball and chain.

  “We should be together. Why do you need the boys if you have me?” “Lights out and lockdown” in fifteen minutes!

  “I’d like to get married and have kids within a year.” Nothing. (Inmate on the loose.)

  Suddenly, poof! The magic is gone. He panics about being an inmate crammed into a cell. By contrast, the bitchier woman is a little more aloof, so it appears as if she has far less interest in taking away his freedom or locking him down. This is one of the major qualities that attract a man to a bitch.

  Ask yourself the following…

  • Ever have a pillow fight and notice that you and your partner are more turned on?

  • Ever notice that when you play-wrestle with a man, he gets all fired up?

  • Ever notice when a man steps over the line and you put him in his place, he gets turned on?

  • Ever wonder why the men you aren’t interested in won’t stop chasing you?

  • When you’re dating someone and you don’t pay attention to him, does he seem more intrigued and chase you even more?

  • Have you ever played with your pet and noticed that your man seems jealous?

  To fully understand these occurrences, we must focus our attention on where the true answer lies: The Animal Channel.

  Men are hunters, and like any hunting animal, they are more intrigued by conquering prey when it resists the predator. Most men are turned on by a bitch because it’s a thrill to take down a powerful woman.

  Let’s look at how this has practical applications. A grad student named Nancy was taking an evening class, and she had an interest in a male classmate. He kept sitting closer and closer until finally he asked her out. She said, “Okay, I’d love to. But while we are in this class, I just want you to know that I’d like to keep it professional.” There was clearly an undeniable amount of chemistry between them, so her comment was hardly a deterrent. It became: Operation Get That Girl.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #17

  If you tell him you are not interested

  in jumping into a relationship with both feet,

  he will set out to try to change your mind.

  The way to quell his fears is to say you aren’t interested in anything “too serious.” As long as you appear interested in him, he’ll keep coming your way. In his mind, you’ll always be able to be convinced otherwise because men are so conditioned to meeting women who want commitment. By not appearing to want commitment, you throw a monkey wrench in the lockdown program. He no longer knows what to expect.

  This is how you get in the conductor’s seat of the train, and this is when he wants to stay on board. When he’s driving, there is no “thrill” and no “chase.” But when you’re driving, suddenly it’s a fun ride because he can’t anticipate what will happen next. (I submit to you, my fellow sisters, it’s very selfish not to indulge him in so much fun.)

  Things You Can Say to Avoid the Cage

  When you go on a first date, tell him you “don’t want to be in a serious relationship, for the time being.” (Of course, things may change.)

  When you work together, say, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to mix business with pleasure.” (You need a little convincing.)

  When it’s a long-distance relationship, say, “I’m not sure long-distance relationships can work.” (Tentative is good.)

  The opposite is also true. If, for example, you don’t like him and wish he’d stop calling, try, “Babies? I love babies! I want at least a half a dozen of them, maybe more. My clock is ticking so I’d like to have them soon. Real soon. Perhaps six of them in the next four years…” Keep talking about those babies.

  This is the perfect approach for that friendly guy you aren’t interested in and you don’t want to hurt. It’s a perfect way to get rid of him. “Diapers? It’s easy to get the hang of it. And, don’t worry… you’ll get used to the smell of the poop! It won’t last too long, just until they get potty trained… .” Just make sure you’re on the ground floor when you tell him, so he doesn’t get hurt when he jumps off the balcony. (Open windows and high altitudes should also be avoided.)

  If you don’t make him feel locked down, he’ll come your way. Think of him as a frightened stray dog. Eventually, he’ll drop his guard and come around. But if you charge at him or try to corner him, he’ll bolt.

  This also relates to why men prefer bitches. When he meets a woman who is unavailable or a little bitchy, he has a built-in excuse for why he isn’t going to get too close. “She’s a bitch, so I won’t get too serious. I’ll just have a little fun,” he says to himself. Fun equals freedom. That is, until he gets attached and then it’s checkmate. Men don’t choose to be in love. It happens by accident. That’s why they coined the phrase to fall in love. As in “Oops!” He fell. He had a plan… but it went terribly awry.

  ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #18

  Always give the appearance

  that he has plenty of space.

  It gets him to drop his guard.

  The more relaxed he is, the less guarded he’ll be; and then it’s only a matter of time before he reaches the point of no return. When he’s in madly in love, you won’t need to say things like “Where are you going?” or “What are you doing?” He’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know because he wants to, not because you had to ask. And, if and when he does go out with the boys, he won’t be able to wait to get home to you.